No Man is Better than Any Man

31 Oct
1st Black model for Maybelline Tomiko Fraser Hines is the perfect example as to why you don't have to settle. EVER!

1st Black Maybelline model Tomiko Fraser Hines is the perfect example as to why you don’t have to settle. EVER! Keep reading to find out more! photo cred: @goddestomiko on Instagram

Hey There, Sweets!

On Sunday I posted a Textgram on my Instagram that read, “No man is better than any man.” Growing up, I’d hear my mom say this and for the longest I would just nod my head and toss it in the part of my brain that stored old people proverbs and sayings. When I got a little older, though, and started observing other people’s relationships and my own, her gibberish actually started making sense. She was saying that it was better to be alone than to settle with any ol’ man just for the sake of saying, “I have a man.” So often, women rush into relationships. We settle into relationships that we know in our hearts aren’t right, but out of fear of being alone we lie to ourselves and convince ourselves that it’s love and the misfit is really just a temporary “rough patch.” The reasons for our urgency to lock down are many in number. Mommy/Daddy issues. All of our friends are hitched. The biological clock is ticking. The list goes on and on and on. Too often our unpacked baggage and senseless fears lead us on a frantic search for love when in actuality we should first be actively searching for answers to deeper issues, like why we can’t stand to be alone and why we’re content in subpar relationships.

Social conditioning has taught us that we HAVE to be married by a certain age, we CAN’T have children past a certain age, we need to STAY and WORK THINGS OUT because we’ve invested so much, aging is UNATTRACTIVE so we have to HURRY and find a Mr. while we’re still in our youth. But that’s all a load of cow turd because true love has no sell by or expiration date. It comes to you at any given moment, at any age–as long as you’re in the space to recognize and receive it. The cool thing about love, too, is that it works with you. When it’s really there, it’ll make the years it took for you to meet that someone well worth the wait. It’ll have your partner thinking that you’re even finer at 43 than you were at 23. It’ll create endless possibilities of motherhood, no matter the age or condition: adoption, egg donation, conception beyond the “cutoff age” (kind of like that hot, petite actress lady Halle Berry who’s poppin’ ’em out in her 40s). Just calm down, and don’t cheat yourself of the future because you can’t see past the now.

Stolen from my friend Courtney's IG, here's a snapshot of Tomiko's Facebook status earlier this year. Proof that you don't have to rush. In the mean time, love you so you can recognize love when it shows up.

Stolen from my friend Courtney’s IG, here’s a snapshot of Tomiko’s Facebook status earlier this year. Proof that you don’t have to rush. In the mean time, love you so you can recognize love when it shows up.

Desperation can lead to undesirable results. When you’re desperate and anxious, your vision is clouded and you may find yourself excusing or justifying treatment that you really don’t deserve. We’ve all heard women say, “Men will be men,” “If you go searching for dirt, you’re gonna find it,” “I know he’s not perfect, but he’s perfect for me,” and all the other catchy, cutesy phrases that sound good but really mean nothing at all. Saying things like, “If you go looking for dirt, you’re going to find it,” implies that you know it’s a strong possibility that “dirt” exists and instead of digging it up and being forced to address it, you’d rather turn a blind eye and shove it in the corner furthest from your conscious. Your decision to not look for dirt, however, shouldn’t be because you’re afraid of what you may discover, but because you genuinely trust your partner and you feel that digging would be a waste of time because there’s nothing to find. There is a huge difference.

I get that you want to be in love and be loved. But love yourself first. Love yourself enough to be alone and to be content with your own company. Love yourself enough to learn who you really are at core, without the influence of a partner, and what you really want. Don’t make ridiculous demands, like he has to have dimples, but love yourself enough to create a list of standards. If you know that you really want to be married, don’t waste your time with a guy who doesn’t. If you don’t want a boyfriend who hits up the strip club on Saturday nights, then don’t date a guy who goes to strip clubs. Throwing singles at Magic City and not wanting to be married doesn’t necessarily make him a bad guy, but it does make him a bad fit for you if those things don’t align with your heart’s desires. You don’t have to compromise on the things that you really value; and if you do compromise, don’t think one glorious day you’re going to wake up and all of a sudden be okay with letting go of your standards. If anything, you’ll probably just be upset inside and may even develop some kind of resentment. Society doesn’t pressure men to settle down before they’re ready, and it certainly doesn’t pressure them to commit to someone who doesn’t meet their standards. They settle down on their own timing and with who they want and feel they deserve (i.e. Jay-Z who waited until he was 38 to wife up international icon Beyoncé). If we don’t learn anything else from men, that’s a lesson worth taking. Don’t rush and don’t settle. Being alone doesn’t have to be bad. It could be an awesome experience of self-exploration and self-learning, preparing you to receive all that you deserve and not a bit less!

"They settle down on their own timing and with who they want and feel they deserve (i.e. Jay-Z who waited until he was 38 to wife up international icon Beyoncé). If we don’t learn anything else from them, that’s a lesson worth taking." photo cred: @Beyonce on Instagram

“They settle down on their own timing and with who they want and feel they deserve (i.e. Jay-Z who waited until he was 38 to wife up international icon Beyoncé). If we don’t learn anything else from men, that’s a lesson worth taking.” photo cred: @Beyonce on Instagram

Love you much,

Essy

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2 Responses to “No Man is Better than Any Man”

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. Bey Better: 7 Lessons We Can Learn From The Queen! | The Essence Of... - November 11, 2013

    […] Meet Your Match: I touched on not settling in a prior post, and Beyoncé definitely leads by example in this regard. I can’t even begin to imagine how […]

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  2. New Post Coming Tomorrow, But in the Meantime… | The Essence Of... - April 8, 2014

    […] No Man is Better than Any Man […]

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